I can’t be bothered to do anything anymore. I don’t know if it’s senioritis or hormones or what the fuck, but everything just seems so pointless, irritating and frustrating. I go to school and sit there (almost) literally doing nothing for a qaurter of my day. That is, when I do go at all. I just feel like besides finals, which are weeks away, there’s no fucking point to me even going in. I could be doing so much more productive and enjoyable shit at home without having my mother or whoever pay thousands of dollars. I could stay home, sleep a little later and get so much more done than I would waking up at six in the morning and going to school. I could work on some art, which is something I enjoy and that could help me in college, I could write at home with the same benefits, I could eat a proper fucking meal and improve my health, I could read books that teach me more than the two fucking classes I have or I could even get a fucking job and make some fucking money which is what life is all about anyway right?

  On top of all that, for the past few weeks, I’ve been finding myself looking at people I once really liked and just wondering why I even deal with them. They do the same things they did months ago when I liked them but all of a sudden I’m just fucking pissed at them for even existing. I know how stupid it sounds but now is one of those times where I feel like I actually need a supportive friend or something.I’ve been trying to be all body positive and shit and I want to and I try to love myself and my body for all it is but fuckdammit I can’t even do that when my own mother and my sister tell me daily shit like how “huge” my boobs are when they know I don’t like them or how disgusting it is that I don’t shave my armpit hair or laughing at me when I’m fucking crying about how ugly I feel. Beyond that, when I say I don’t want to have children when I’m older, they tell me I’ll have like five kids or something or that I’ll change my mind. Excuse me, but if I say don’t want something, that means I don’t fucking want it, you have no fucking idea why I don’t want children. And thanks for attempting to even understand the reasons behind that! It’s really upsetting to me that the two women who are supposed to be the most important ones in my life are the ones who least respect my wishes, beliefs, and values. Just imagine insisting that a woman who wants children won’t be able to have any if she tries. What kind of fucked up shit is that? If I don’t want something, why would you try to force it upon me? I just don’t get it. I respect my sister’s wish to have a few children in the future, and I respect my mother’s choice to have five children, so why the fuck can’t they see that not every vagina and uterus bearing person wants to repro-fucking-duce! Then there’s the fact that everytime my mother notices that my boobs are looking a little “low”, she has to point it out and insist that I wear a bra or find a better one. I’m sorry but they’re my mammaries and the sole purpose of their existence is to breast feed children that I won’t have, not to look pretty or attractive to anyone, even myself. And by the way, I don’t fucking care if they sag or droop or whatever. SO WHAT? It happens to almost every woman who has breasticles and it will doubtless happen to me. SO BE IT. And the shaving thing? All I have to say is shove it. It’s my fucking body and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want with it so long as I am not harming myself or anyone else, and last I checked, a little bit (or a lot) of hair never hurt anyone. 

  This is all trivial bullshit in the eyes of anyone else reading, but its something that really bothers me and that I can’t just shake off. I want more than anything to be happy, to enjoy and improve my life but I feel like I have no chance at even trying to change anything until I can finally move out and not have to deal with this bullshit school and these bullshit people and the bullshit fucking feelings. 

Thank you, that is all.

thestepswetook:

I don’t kind of want kids, I don’t not want kids right now, I don’t want kids. Everyone says my views will change, but I don’t want them to. I don’t want to be so responsible for something more than a cat. I don’t want to be disappointed in my offspring, I don’t want to be disappointed in myself for their upbringing, and I definitely don’t want to be disappointed in the universe for making things so hard.

I don’t want kids because I will never be ready. I will always be selfish and want to travel and be free. I want neices ans nephews, but I don’t want any of my own.

Too lazy to type it myself. This is exactly how I feel.

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I forgot that I stopped watching TV because it really sucks when you’re doing it alone. Everything sucks when you do it alone. Like using the bathroom.

Hey y’all I’ve been in a musical rut for a few days now and I need some new stuff to listen to! Think you could help a brotha out and suggest some of your favorite songs or artists/bands? I trust that you won’t say Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Drake, Kesha or anything dumb like that, so go ahead please and thanks :)

I’m laughing/cringing a little bit on the inside because I was looking through the Daniel Radcliffe tags here on tumblr and I saw a photo from the Deathly Hallows of Harry and Ginny kissing. Then I thought, “Wow that looks awkward. I wonder what it’s like to kiss someone for an acting role or whatever.” And then I proceeded to wonder what it feels like to kiss someone period. That’s right, I totally forgot what it’s like. Thinking about it now, it all just seems so gross and weird and putting your tongue in another person’s mouth and them reciprocating and saliva exchange and the taste of kissing and just ew. I would kiss Daniel Radcliffe though. I wouldn’t mind that one bit.

That is all.

Stolen lipsticks, hairspray, and a bottle of honeysuckle, sage, valerian, bayberry leaves, and a rose.

I just realized something! I want to write and illustrate children’s books. I don’t really know why but I like the idea of teaching kids good things and drawing nice things to illustrate these good things. Is that weird? I don’t know, I don’t care. This is what I want to do, now I just have to figure out how…

i’m actually crying because i’m missing glee right now

I’m definitely going to dye most of my hair next month. What is not yet definite is how exactly I will be dyeing it. I’m not sure if I should go and get it professionally bleached since it’s most of my hair and damaging over half my hair beyond repair would be pretty shitty.Then I have this fear of going to a salon, paying a ton of money only to find that 1)the damage is no different or is worse or 2) they don’t listen to what I want or screw it up somehow, since what I want is pretty specific, yet vague. 

I do know that I want my hair lightened a little over halfway, lengthwise. All or part of it would have to be pretty light, like a really pale blonde or white-blonde if possible, in order to get the colors I want. I may or may not want the underside of my bangs done also, but that depends on whether or not I grow them out.

I still don’t know what color or colors I want, but I am leaning pretty far towards a neon or light-ish green or some other light color so that it’ll be easier to go to the next color. So the question is this, should I get my hair bleached professionally or do it myself and just do less of it? Also, what color(s)!?!?! 

Please help, I’ve been dying to dye my hair for years now and I need to decide soon so yeah help please?

I’m aware that this blog is becoming less like a journal and just more dumb in general, but it’s because I’ve been really happy lately and when I talk about how happy I am I usually end up in a bad mood immediately after(It’s an unexplained phenomenon but I do have a theory involving cosmic goats and vengeful gods). However, I have been working on some writing and a few drawings and stuff so expect to see those soon.

I’m really not even sure why most of you follow me, but I do appreciate your assumed interest in what I have to say considering you’ve stuck around for this long.

Of course! I met my ex on christianmingle.com!

:-)

just kidding we met at school.

I lie all the time about small things like whether or not I did my laundry or when I last cleaned my cat’s litter box, but the last major thing I lied about? Hmm, no major lies I can think of since I’ve been trying to be really honest and good and pure lately.

Why are you doing this to me?

It’s a tie between two events. One is more recent and actually considerably more traumatizing and I’m not ready to even think about it yet. So one time, when I was about seven or six, I was in class and I had to pee really badly. I was in music class and the teacher was really scary and would yell at people for yawning or breathing too loudly, and he kind of looked like Beavis or Butthead or Willy Wonka. So anyways, I had to pee and I was so scared of him and I was scared I’d get yelled at for asking to use the bathroom in the middle of class, so I decided to just hold it until music was over. That didn’t really work out too well, as I had some light bladder leakage and when I ran to the bathroom, my seat was wet and I cried in the bathroom and to this day I don’t know if anyone even saw the pee spot or knows about it at all but it was terrible and my butt was wet for a while and I’m a pro peeholder now. The end.

now’s ur chance 2 ask me things u always wanted 2 kno cos im bored and stuff so ya, click dis to ask me.